What I Want & What I Need.

I want intimacy and fear it at the same time. Alcohol and drugs used to allow me the illusion of intimacy usually through sex but I always ended with me feeling deeply ashamed and without a shred of dignity left. I felt unequipped to participate in an intimate relationship and drugs and alcohol made me feel I could handle anything. I belonged, I was attractive and it gave me a sense of connection to my own body and to others. At least in the beginning it did. After awhile it even destroyed the illusion. I don't think I have ever had an honest intimate relationship, the idea terrifies me. I have no idea of who I really am.

I feel like I was born with a hole in my soul and I tried to fill that hole with sex, relationships, alcohol, drugs, work, school, being a mom etc. all band aids. None of those things ever filled that hole. Sometimes I have glimpses of it being a God sized hole and that God fills the void perfectly. But, I can't stay there. All my crap from the past and all my fear of who I really am and of who and where I will be in the future pushes Him out. And without a thought of the consequences I am back to participating in unhealthy behaviors.

I never drank or used to get high it was always to obliterate. From my very first drink to the last. I have no idea of how to connect with people on an honest level can't even be honest with myself. I've no idea of what I need to feel comforted and calm, at peace with myself and the world. Alcohol, drugs, self-mutilation, and other unhealthy behaviors offer protection from self-discovery. But it's all wrong because while it all feels like a cocoon of protection it's utterly false, a pseudo solution that feels very real and very necessary.

K. A. Shaw