Farewell.

I used four weeks ago. I drove over an hour to a town where the doctors and pharmacists don't know me.

I used three weeks ago. I picked up somebody else's prescription.

I used three days ago. My son got a piece of glass in his eye and I took him to the emergency room. The entire time I was waiting I knew. I knew that they would give him narcotics and that I would take those narcotics. It was not a test in response to my earlier entry. It was the answer to the test question, "Will I use again?" In my thinking if I was not supposed to use again those pills would not have appeared.

I am the same person who has cried when she used. There have been times when I had six or more refills on a prescription and I would cry. I would cry because I knew that I would use all the refills. I did not want the misery but I did not know how to live without the misery.

In my book I have used for the last time, I have had my farewell.

After tonight I will be by myself for five days before I go to treatment. I don't do well by myself. I know though that if I arrive to the treatment center with any thing in my system I'll be making the trip home that same day.

Years ago I was a shop-aholic. I loved clothes, beautiful clothes. My addiction took all my money so I quit buying clothes. Then I put on weight, lots of weight and shopping was misery. I have managed to take off most of that weight over this last year. Tomorrow I am going shopping. I am going to buy myself some nice clothes, just one or two items. My plan is to stretch my dollar out to last those five days. Buy myself a little something every day so that I get that instant gratification kick. In the end I will have something that will last longer than a fix.

K. A. Shaw