Life in the Big City.

When I was living in one of America's largest sunbelt cities, I was the loneliest I have ever been in my life. Despite the crowds, the traffic, the proverbial hustle and bustle, I never made a single friend there. I went to AA meetings, NA meetings, Celebrate Recovery and to church. And I never made a single friend. I ran from all those places just as fast as I could run after it ended. I could not bring myself to come early and meet and greet people and I couldn't force myself to stay after to meet and greet people.

I worked in a two person office with a man named Rob. Rob did groups in the mornings and individuals in the afternoon. I did individuals in the mornings and groups in the afternoon. No social interaction there. I have some co-workers here in OK whom I refer to as friends because they are the closest thing to a friend I have with the exception of Darlene who is indeed a friend. But all these people are married and have a life.

While I lived My Life in the Big City, I was happy to be with my daughter, her husband and my grand baby. But of course for the sake of their marriage once a week was usually all I ever went over there. I stayed in my bed and cried for four days straight one time. I didn't eat, the phone never rang. I hated weekends. I loved my job they were the only people I could talk to. And I was even the person in control which made it all the better.

I tried a few years ago to attend the adult Sunday school class here. Well, they decided to introduce themselves to me which was nice. But, they were all married; I was the only unmarried person in the group. And the more people talked the more I cried and then I spilled my coffee all over their brand new carpet. I cried and left the class room never to return.

I think I am back home failing miserably at being a human being because being with mom and dad is painful, but they love me and nobody else out there does.. And even if their love is painful at least its love. I feel guilty not being around mom and dad. They are older and I want to be here if they need help. I am so shy and awkward on a personal level, so frightened. But on a professional level I am an entirely different person.

K. A. Shaw